Tuesday, February 7, 2012



By Mohan Mathew
The European Union
February 7, 2012

Auspicious omens are showing. The golden age of Kenya is around the bend!

Soon after the conclusion of the next general election, the result of which I am not able to reveal as I am gagged by my President to be, Kenya will be shining example of a people that rebelled against the neo-colonialist oppressive institutions such as the ICC, the WB and the IMF, and rendered them inconsequential by voting in true leaders who were unjustly framed by them.

More heads of state, facing elections, especially who are unwilling to bow out in good time will scheme to follow the footsteps of our president. He will almost be a trend setter though his godfather mentor is the first one who pulled the stunt off.

The sanctity of the constitution will be preserved, but the amendments to streamline administration will be however effected. Law and order situation will be envy of other countries once the changes planned set in.

Kenya will attain food security and go on further to become a net exporter of food in the first one year of the new administration. This is to be realized by moving all unemployed persons above the age of fourteen to the arid and semi arid regions to stay in Israel model Kibbutz (farming communities) to develop the land and plant drought resistant crops. They will be transported, housed, uniformed, and fed at state expense, but movement out of the communities will be severely restricted to safeguard the success of the programme.

Kenyans will feel safe from day one. A surveillance camera each will be anchored facing each and every household. This may raise trepidation among the general public but they will gradually get used to it as they understand it's for their own safety and the security agencies are constantly monitoring the happenings in their homesteads to avert any theft or other serious crimes. They will be glad to know the new gova is more concerned about their security and that the big brother will constantly be watching.
These should not be construed as violations of basic human dignity and birth rights, as the so called human rights activists like Hassan Omar or Okiya Omtata tend to say.

World nations will marvel how Kenya, a poor nation by any standards, having no oil or minerals can raise 100% of its budgetary requirements, feed 40 million people three square meals a day, and afford to make faces at the global financial institutions. They will all flock to Kenya to learn how this can be replicated in their countries.

To begin with the new president will sacrifice his assets and landed property just the size of Nyanza province, the fruits of a lot of hard work but what detractors call grabbed, stolen or  bequeathed to him, to pay off the national debt so that he can begin acquiring his own, employing his own ingenious devices.

International agencies like Interpol will not be allowed to operate in the country. ICC offices operating in the country will be asked to wind up their operations on/before 31-12-2012. We shall not need them to nab fugitives from our laws, and they should no bother us with requests for extradition of international criminals taking refuge in this country.

All should appreciate we are like the house of God where every sinner has a right to take refuge. In general terms those who have been hosted by us like Felicien Kabuga and the relatively new Rupiah Banda Jr. and an assortment  of the ever welcome pirates from Somalia  will be free to invest their money here and reap the benefits,

To avert unnecessary expenses and, in view of  the prevailing risky circumstances of international travel, especially  the president , his deputy and others who may feature in the infamous, much internationally discredited  Waki-Annan envelope will visit only five star rated specific countries meticulously avoiding any air space considered  hostile. These destinations of choice will be Zimbabwe, Equatorial Guinea, North Korea, North Sudan, Eritrea, China, Myanmar, Somalia, Venezuela and Syria. 

The heads of state of other countries who will wish to meet with our great leader or any foreign delegations looking for closer cooperation with Kenya will be required to do so at the Kenyan high-commissions and embassies in the above countries. The leaders of the US and the Western powers will be required to observe and respect this condition. 

Tourism will be a much regulated affair thereafter. Since Kenya wouldn't need much foreign exchange, a one month tourist visa will cost only US$1000. In addition wild animals that are a constant threat to the state sponsored occupiers of the de-gazetted game reserves and national parks will be summarily culled.

Before this, Kenya is expected to withdraw from the treaty banning the world-wide trading in wildlife trophies, especially the elephant tusk.

Other sweeping changes are many, indeed. There will be some changes in the status of English and Kiswahili. Both are evidently foreign. Though they will be retained for official communication purposes, the language spoken by the highest number of people as per the latest census will become Kenya's first language. Expert linguists will expeditiously work on creating alphabets for it as it still uses the English ones. They will have to trouble-shoot the 'r' and 'l' bug by the time it's elevated to the national position.

Special licenses will be needed for exploiting natural resources such as lakes, rivers, forests, and minerals. The only restriction will be that the prospectors will be required to read, write and understand the official language. Those whose ancestry has been using it for at least three generations are to be granted priority in the acquisition of the licenses.

In this connection it's needless to say they will also automatically stand a better chance of landing plum jobs from the rank of under-secretaries up. No one should blame them for the benefits as they are granted by the constitution.

The same system will be applicable in the recruitment to the disciplined forces.  In this regard the new gova will follow exactly the same policies of the present one, if not going a step further in due course.  It’s only logical that those occupying the higher echelons of the armed forces should be well versed in the official language.

No country except China will be authorized to bring in the goods the country needs .Other countries from the Western hemisphere and Asia will have to use China as a conduit. This is to minimize the problem of maintaining multiple trade partners. The dues to them by way of trade imbalance will immediately be settled as and when funds are available.

It’s gratifying that our Chinese brothers, as an appreciation, have agreed to donate 20% of the value of such goods, in cash for financing the charities and other projects of our president's choice. 

In order to cut the red tape, importers will be required to remit the customs and the excise duties payable into a special escrow a/c at the Central bank of which the signatory will be the president, and in unavoidable circumstances the deputy president as authorized by the president. This will help our wise leader, who always knows the priority areas to disburse funds equitably as far as possible.

Public utilities such as roads, canals, hospitals, air-ports, schools, polytechnics, universities and the like will cease to be known in connection with the names of the former as well as the present leaders including freedom fighters, but with exception of the ones with those of the founding father and close members of his family.

Parliament will henceforth be known as 'Heroic Kenya Citizens' Congress'. It’s hoped we won’t need to assign a name to the senate and county assemblies because Mheshimiwa Jeremiah Kioni will be expected to get his bill scrapping them passed by the current parliament.
Central Bank will be renamed 'The Repository of National Wealth'.  High-commissions and embassies, which will, by the way be much fewer in number than now thanks to our new foreign policy, will be ‘Kenya Citizens Bureaux' in honour of our valiant citizens who voted in our great leader against all odds.

The minister in charge of Information and Communications, most probably, Samuel Poghisio will bring a bill positively restricting the activities of the intransigent press. An official from the ministry will be assigned to each media house and TV station to see to it that volatile and inciting material won't reach the public. This will be no censorship as such, but only controlled dissemination of news, a time tested measure. This will also lessen the chances of any infuriated first or second family member taking the law into their own hands.

On the health sector, breathtaking changes have been finalized and are due for implementation any time from the great leader's inauguration. The government will ensure healthcare is affordable and within reach of the common man. To this end all health facilities below district level will be handed over to traditional healers.

Foreigners with special skills, mainly from Tanzania and Uganda will obtain work permits at a small fee to practice their trade here. The health workers thus available will be deployed to district hospitals to support the efforts of traditional medicinemen. This is logical and prudent because the villagers generally have immunity to most diseases.
There will be a Special Programmes Ministry as there is one now. It's first task will be to work out a plan to make local brews  available to Kenyans excise duty free and to do away with the bar licensing system.

The production of tobacco, khat, and 'weed' will be regulated by a state corporation to increase productivity, local consumption and export.

Our sisters and brothers, practitioners of the oldest profession and those who hate being intimate with the opposite sex will have special privileges such as pension, gratuity and provident fund facilities once they retire.