MEMO FROM A FOOTBALL FANATIC

ONLINE EDITION
BY ANONYMOUS

Dear Sweetheart,

With a heavy heart, I am forced to lay down the following rules of engagement that will guide my relationship with you during the entire period of the World Cup tournament in South Africa. Please read them carefully and ensure they are implemented to the letter:

1.Between 11 June and 11 July 2010, you should read the sports section
of the newspaper so that you are aware of what is going on regarding the
World of Soccer, and that way you will be able to join in the
conversations. If you fail to do this, then you will be looked at in a
bad way, or you will be totally ignored. DO NOT complain about not
receiving any attention.

2. During the World Cup, the television is mine, at all times, without
any exceptions. If you even take a glimpse of the remote control, you
will lose it (your eye).

3. If you have to pass by in front of the TV during a game, I don't
mind, as long as you do it crawling on the floor and without distracting
me.

4. During the games I will be blind, deaf and mute, unless I require a
refill of my drink or something to eat. You are out of your mind if you
expect me to listen to you, open the door, answer the telephone, or pick
up the baby that just fell on the floor....It won't happen.

5. It would be a good idea for you to keep at least 2 six packs in the
fridge at all times, and please do not make any funny faces to my friends
when they come over to watch the games. In return, you will be allowed
to use the TV between 12am and 6am, unless they replay a good game that
I missed during the day.

6. Please, please, please!! If you see me upset because one of my teams
is losing, DO NOT say "get over it, it's only a game", or "don't worry,
they'll win next time". If you say these things, you will only make me
angrier and I will love you less. Remember, you will never ever know
more about football than me and your so called "words of encouragement"
will only lead to a break up or divorce.

7. You are welcome to sit with me to watch one game and you can talk to
me during halftime but only when the commercials are on, and only if the
half time scores is pleasing me. In addition, please note I am saying
"one" game; hence do not use the World Cup as a nice cheesy excuse to
"spend time together".

8. The replays of the goals are very important. I don't care if I have
seen them or I haven't seen them, I want to see them again, Many times.

9. Tell your friends NOT to have any babies, or any other child related
parties or gatherings that requires my attendance because:
a) I will not go,
b) I will not go, and
c) I will not go.

10. But, if a friend of mine invites us to his house on a Sunday to
watch a game, we will be there in a flash.

11. The daily World Cup highlights show on TV every night is just as
important as the games themselves. Do not even think about saying "but
you have already seen this...why don't you change the channel to
something we can all watch?" because, the reply will be, "Refer to Rule
#2 of this list".

12. And finally, please save your expressions such as "Thank God the
World Cup is only every 4 years". I am immune to these words, because
before and after this comes the Champions League, Premier League,
Italian League, Spanish League, KPL, FA Cup, Euro Cup, etc.

P/S
By the way if you get stuck on the road call 911 or AAA.

Thank you for your cooperation.
World Cup Enthusiast