8 THINGS NO ONE TELLS YOU ABOUT MARRIAGE

The surprising, enlightening, and sometimes hard truths we all face after we walk down the aisle — and how they teach us about what love really means.

By Ylonda Gault Caviness

You're smart. You know life is no storybook. But admit it: Somewhere deep in your subconscious lurk romantic visions of Cinderella, or maybe Julia Roberts. The images may be sketchy and a little outdated, but you can still make out the silhouette of the bride and Prince Charming riding off into the sunset.

In real life, sometimes your Disney fairy tale ends up feeling more like a Wes Craven horror flick — and you're the chick who keeps falling down and screaming for her life. I've been there. Let's face it, marriage is not for the faint of heart. You want to believe your pure love for each other will pull you through. And it does. But it ain't always pretty.

That may sound grim. But here's a secret: Sometimes it's the least romantic parts of marriage that have the most to teach you about yourself, your partner, and the nature of love. Read on for some simple truths that will unlock the surprising treasures and pleasures in your imperfect, unstorybook, real-life love.

1. You will look at the person lying next to you and wonder, Is this it? Forever?

When you get married, you think that as long as you pick the right guy — your soul mate — you'll be happy together until death do you part. Then you wake up one day and realize that no matter how great he is, he doesn't make you happy every moment of every day. In fact, some days you might wonder why you were in such a hurry to get married in the first place. You think to yourself, This is so not what I signed up for.

Actually, it is. You just didn't realize it the day you and your guy were cramming wedding cake into each other's faces, clinking champagne glasses, and dancing the Electric Slide. Back then you had no idea that "for better and for worse" doesn't kick in only when life hands you a tragedy. Your relationship mettle is, in fact, most tested on a daily basis, when the utter sameness of day-in/day-out togetherness can sometimes make you want to run for the hills. That's when the disappointment sneaks in, and maybe even a palpable sense of loneliness and grief. It's not him. It's just you, letting go of that sugarcoated fantasy of marriage that danced in your eyes the day you and your beloved posed in all those soft-focus wedding photos. You're learning that marriage isn't a destination; it's a journey filled with equal parts excitement and tedium.

Waking up from a good dream to face the harsh morning daylight may not seem like a reason to celebrate. But trust me, it is. Because once you let go of all the hokey stories of eternal bliss, you find that the reality of marriage is far richer and more rewarding than you ever could have guessed. Hard, yes. Frustrating, yes. But full of its own powerful, quiet enchantments just the same, and that's better than any fairy tale.

Women play a major role compared to men when they are related as husband and wife. Women are made more emotional and hence are capable of handling delicate and intricate situations more calmly. But when they are hurt emotionally beyond their capacity,they get depressed and are sometimes hurt beyond repairs sometimes. I have seen women regain all their strength and start life all over again. This quality men lack. They do what they do and keep on doing. The only MECHANIC who can put things right for men are WOMEN!. Men are made physically strong lack emotional content, which is more responsible to regain control in life than physical strength. When hurt emotionally women tend to share their feelings with the same sex and regain what is lost. Men are simply not capable of doing that. When GOD has made women what they are the only thing what remains is for women to understand their gifted tendencies and live life rather than give up or feel low. Similarly, these gifts can help a woman make her totally broken down, misled, misguided, egoistic, weak, or disillusioned man. Believe me, you can mend and make him lead his own life with more strength and vigour. When patience is blended with emotions (which women are gifted with) can do wonders do anybody's life, be it your child, hubby, friends, elders. For men to understand all this it might take one day or many lives. But he has a natural weakness to bow down from his ego of being a man which makes him understand a women and her love for him. This is possible only when a women knows thyself and uses her natural gifted tools. I can help women or men who think I can after reading the above.

My husband and I are having our 30th aniversary and this article nails the important things that you need. In the first few years you struggle to assert yourself, both of you being "right". Then after a while you mature and realize it's not a competition and you both can win.

This was not my first marriage. I kind of knew a little about what I was getting into. That is why I was in no hurry. The best time you'll get out of a man is the dating period. The day rolled around and I said " I do", to the best guy friend in the world. We lived together for a year before marriage so no surpises right? Things did change some. They say the first year is the hardest.

I say bull crap. The first year you are still honey mooning. It's the second or third year that you get mad at him when you realize the honeymoon is over. Then you learn how to talk to each other after many arguments. That is about year 5. Then the arguments are reserved for stuff that really matters. Now that you are not as angry at him all the time you can find your nitch as to what works for you two in your private time. He never stopped wanting it just because you were mad at him.

In year 7 he is getting better about actually trying to get me warmed up. So how did we get through? We set goals in our life. We stay in church. Marriage was created by God. With out knowing God you will have no idea as to what to do with your marriage. When things slow down between you two, its O.K. to find a bit more self. Just always put your marriage 2nd. God 1st. Then kids, friends, family. We were helped by going to marriage retreats. You must make time to have a relationship with your husband. I see some of my friends always putting thier kids first. I love kids too, sometimes I have to put my or my husbands wants aside for the kids. But you can't do this all the time. What you will end up with are kids that only you can stand. And a husband that you wish you did'nt have to stand. Keep yourself up, for yourself. You need to feel good about yourself.2. You'll work harder than you ever imagined.

Early on, when people say, "Marriage takes work," you assume "work" means being patient when he forgets to put down the toilet seat. In your naiveté, you think that you will struggle to accommodate some annoying habit, like persistent knuckle cracking or flatulence.

If only it were that easy. Human beings, you may have noticed, are not simple creatures. Your man has mysterious, unplumbed depths — and from where he sits, you're pretty complicated, too. You have to learn each other the same way that you once learned earth science or world geography. And getting married doesn't mean you're done — it just means you've advanced to graduate-level studies. That's because every time you think you've mastered the material, he'll change a bit. And so will you. As two people grow and evolve, the real work of marriage is finding a way to relate to and nurture each other in the process.

"It's like losing weight," says Andrea Harden, 45, of Buffalo, NY. "You want it to be a one-time deal. You lost it, now just live. But then you learn it's a lifestyle. That's marriage. The effort is a forever thing." So don't be too hard on yourself — or him — on those days when you feel like you're struggling through remedial math.

3. You will sometimes go to bed mad (and maybe even wake up madder).

Whoever decided to tell newlyweds "Never go to bed angry" doesn't know what it's like inside a bedroom where tears and accusations fly as one spouse talks the other into a woozy stupor until night meets the dawn. If this scenario sounds familiar, I've got three words for you: Sleep on it.

You need to calm down. You need to gain perspective. You need to just give it a rest. I've found that an argument of any quality, like a fine wine, needs to breathe. A break in the action will help you figure out whether you're angry, hurt, or both, and then pinpoint the exact source. Maybe the fight that seemed to erupt over the overflowing garbage can is really about feeling underappreciated. Could be you're both stressed out at work and just needed to unload on someone. Taking a break will help you see that, and let go. Or maybe you really do have a legitimate disagreement to work out. Without a time-out, sometimes a perfectly good argument can turn into an endless round of silly back-and-forth, rehashing old and irrelevant transgressions as you get more and more wound up.

Even when you do manage to stay focused and on topic, there are some fights that stubbornly refuse to die by bedtime. And if you stifle your real feelings just to meet some arbitrary deadline, your marriage will surely be the worse for it. "This was a huge lesson for me," says Andrea. "As women we've been trained to make nice. But the whole kiss-and-make-up thing just to keep the peace was eating me up inside. I'd let things build up inside me until I just exploded. Now I wait a while to get hold of myself — let the emotions settle a bit — and state my position. Even if that means reopening the fight the next day."4. You will go without sex — sometimes for a long time — and that's okay.

There are few men in the Western world sexier than my husband. And I don't say this because I know he may read this article. I've seen women checking him out when they think I'm not looking. (Honestly, ladies, you don't have to sneak a peek. I don't mind if you stare.) That said, there are times that I just don't feel like having sex — often for reasons that have nothing to do with Genoveso. (See? Even his name is sexy.) I can't lie and say this is always okay with him. But the fact is, there are also plenty of nights when he's not in the mood. So maybe a few days go by when we don't do it. And then a few more. And....

Sexless periods are a natural part of married life. A dry spell isn't a sign that you've lost your mojo or that you'll never have sex again. It just means that maybe this week, sleep is more important than sex. (I don't know about you, but between work, 3 a.m. feedings, the PTA, soccer, T-ball, and everything else, I sometimes crave sleep the way a pimply, hormonal adolescent longs to cop a feel.)

And don't kid yourself; no one in America is doing it as often as popular culture would have you believe. Instead of worrying about how much you think you "should" be having sex, keep the focus on figuring out your own rhythm. "I used to think, What's happened to us? We always used to be in the mood," says 35-year-old Kim Henderson of Oakland, CA, who's been married for five years. "Now I know better. Life happens. My husband just started a new job. He has a long commute, and we have two small children. I think we're good."

The key is to make sure that even if you're not doing "it," you're still doing something — touching, kissing, hugging. Personally, my heart gets warm and mushy when my husband rubs my feet after a long, tiring day. He may not be anywhere near my G-spot, but that little bit of touch and attention keeps us connected even when we're not having spine-tingling sex.

5. Getting your way is usually not as important as finding a way to work together.

I can be a bit of a know-it-all. There, I said it. It's really not my intention to be hurtful or brash with people I love. It's just that a lifetime of experience has taught me that in most areas, at most times, I am right about most things. What shocked me several years into my marriage, though, was the realization that the more "right" I was, the more discontented my husband and I were as a couple. See, oddly enough, throughout his life Genoveso has been under the misguided impression that he's right most of the time (go figure!). So we'd lock horns — often. That is, until I learned a few things.

Namely, that when it comes to certain disagreements, there is no right or wrong — there is simply your way of looking at things and your husband's. "I used to be very black-and-white earlier in our marriage," says Lindy Vincent, 38, who lives in Minneapolis. "Now I see that I'm not all right and my husband is not all wrong. There's more gray in life than I thought, and that's taught me patience and the value of compromise."

The more I get to know and appreciate my husband for who he is, the more I respect his positions. That doesn't mean I always agree with him. But I can see the value in striking a balance that satisfies us both. And instead of harping on how wrong he is, I can usually swallow the verbal vitriol and simply say something like, "I see your point" or "I hadn't considered that." After I sincerely acknowledge his view, it seems to become easier for him to hear mine. And because I know I'm being heard, most of the time now, I don't even want to prove how right I am anymore. Funny how that works, isn't it?

6. A great marriage doesn't mean no conflict; it simply means a couple keeps trying to get it right.

Maybe you think that because of my newfound wisdom, Genoveso and I never fight anymore. Ha! As important as it is to strike a balance, it's also important to have a big, fat fight every now and then. Because when you fight, you don't just raise your voices; you raise real — sometimes buried — issues that challenge you to come to a clearer understanding of you, your man, and your relationship. I wouldn't give up our fights for anything in the world, because I know in the end they won't break us; they'll only make us stronger.

7. You'll realize that you can only change yourself.

Ever seen the '80s sci-fi cult classic Making Mr. Right? When the stylish heroine, played by Ann Magnuson, is hired to teach a robot how to act like a human, she seizes the chance to create a perfect guy. A hotshot commercial whiz, she uses her marketing prowess to shape John Malkovich's android character into her personal version of the ideal man — sensitive, eager to please, and willing to listen.

There is a bit of that makeover fantasy in all of us — something that makes us believe we can change the person we love, make him just a little bit closer to perfect. We may use support and empathy or shouts and ultimatums, but with dogged conviction we take on this huge responsibility, convinced we're doing the right thing.

Whatever our motives, the effort is exhausting. Transforming a full-grown man — stripping him of decades-old habits, beliefs, and idiosyncrasies — is truly an impossible task. And you will come to realize, sooner than later if you're lucky, that it is far easier to change the way you respond to him.

Here's a perfect case in point: "I used to go off on my husband because he didn't empty the sink trap when he cleaned the kitchen," says Kimberly Seals Allers, 36, of Bay Shore, NY. "It got me nowhere; my rants only made him resentful. Now I come home and when the kitchen looks clean, I'm like, 'Cool, now all I have to do is empty the sink trap.'"

8. As you face your fears and insecurities, you will find out what you're really made of.
I've got issues. Trust issues. Control issues. And others, I'm sure, that I've yet to fully discover. I guess I've always known I wasn't perfect. But in more than a decade of marriage, I've been smacked upside the head with the cold, hard evidence.

There were clues when Genoveso and I were dating, especially with the trust thing. Early on, I was supersuspicious of him. He used to say things like, "I'll call you at 8." Then, just to try to trip me up, he'd call at 8. I knew he was up to something, I just couldn't figure out what. The same kinds of experiences followed after the wedding. Except occasionally he would actually mess up. And I had no sense of scale when it came to rating his offenses; everything was a major violation. Whether he teased me about a new haircut or came home late, I seethed for days and even let thoughts of divorce creep into my head. I figured, if he loved me — really and truly — this stuff wouldn't happen.

I'd like to be able to say that this irrational behavior lasted only a few months and I eventually worked it out. Kind of, sort of, is closer to the truth. After years of looking deeply into my soul and talking to good friends and the best sister a girl could ever have, I've come to recognize certain things about myself. Not to get all Dr. Phil about it, but I've had to examine my history with an emotionally distant dad and a strong-willed mom and face up to all the ways, both good and bad, that those relationships have affected how I approach my marriage.

I still struggle as a work in progress. But I am completely clear in the knowledge that many of the deepest frustrations in your relationship are an opportunity for you to confront yourself. That can be difficult to accept — after all, it's so much more comforting to keep a running tab of your hubby's deficits and tell yourself that his failings are the only thing standing between you and a better marriage. But if you let it, this bumpy journey toward self-awareness can be one of the more fulfilling rewards of a committed, long-term relationship — you'll learn to love your quirks and be compassionate toward yourself, just as you're learning to do with him.

That's the strange beauty of marriage: It's full of hard times and hard lessons that no one can ever prepare you for. But in the end, those are the things that give richness to your life together — and make your love even deeper and stronger than when it began.

COMMENTS:

1. November 06, 2008
The same "rules" apply to gay relationships. I found communication with my partner has resulted in a relationship that's lasted nearly six years so far. Like most readers, we started with sexual attraction, found we had interests (outside the bedroom) in common, and our relationship has evolved. It's also helpful that our relatives are supportive of us and our relationship - sometimes I think my folks like him better than me! (Just joking about that.) But it's also good to have friends who are also in long-term (some as long as 25 years) monogamous relationships. Too bad our right to marry just got yanked out from under us in California. You can't tell me I love my partner any less than Yolanda loves Genoveso.

2. October 30, 2008
You don't have to be married to go through the same things in the article. i've been with my boyfriend for four and half years lived together two and half out of the four and we had been through everything in this article and more. Its what you put into the relationship verses what you get out of it. A couple married or not makes one not two, you have to be willing to put forth the effort to make it work (thats with anything). Just be patient, underdtanding, caring, loving and willing to be wrong (even when your right)

3. October 28, 2008
I've never been married and I don't believe that I need to be. I think this is important so I won't jump at the first guy who asks...if anyone asks. I've always been very devoted to my studies and have the goal of one day earning a Ph.D. The article was ok. I'm mainly focused on losing weight and going to the gym every other day. I'm not exactly where I want to be in life, but I'm trying to be happy where I am and finding other options. I'm 33 and ideally I thought I'd be married already, but that's not how life has worked out. I think my maternal grandparents had the best marriage. My grandfather often told me that he couldn't have found a better woman than my grandma to marry. My sister and my grandma are my rock in hard times. I miss my grandfather. He died in 2002. I always told him he'd be in my wedding and I wasn't even engaged so I told him he was going to be alive a long time. He died at the age of 84. He let me drive his car when he and grandma were taking me to and from college. Thinking about it, I'm not sure why he trusted me to drive his car 65mpg or 70mph. If I ever have them, I don't think I'm trusting my grandkids with my car. He was brave and some of the things I did I'm glad we were all still alive. He would yell when I did something that he felt wasn't safe. Finally, I just had to set the cruise control to 55mph and everyone was passing us and my grandfather said "That's it. Let them pass and get away from us." And I told him I could drive faster, but he was happy with cruise at 55mph, so that's what we did. It took us longer to get there, but it made him happy. I love you, Papal. I guess I'll be where he is in another 40 years.

4. October 20, 2008
Is it just me or is everything in this article a bit obvious? Why do they KEEP writing articles that are just a big DUH!? Does anyone now a days really think marriage is gonna be a picnic?it depends

5. January 26, 2008

If you look at him and you're dumbfounded and cant believe your good luck - then he's done his job. ;- } If not - hide a book of poetry in his sock drawer anyway. DONT read it - thats HIS job, but be careful about the title - you wouldn't believe what's called poetry nowadays. Make sure there's always a dozen of his favorite socks in it, and he will love you forever. And if you're worried about his weight - add in a couple of those strap-on ankle weights - so he can pump iron while he watches football on saturday :) Nomo So I'm normal?

6. December 29, 2007

This was an amazing article. I wanted to cry while reading it because it hit home for me over and over and I suddenly felt normal. I've been married for 2 years (2nd marriage) and have wondered what the heck I was thinking when I said "I do". Yet there have been many times when I felt so blessed to be in this marriage. Thank you for making me feel like I might not lose my mind after all.i am so incredibly moved by this article!

7. December 19, 2007
I hope you're out there reading these comments, because I think you may have just saved my sanity. My boyfriend and I are on the verge of engagement and I am a panic attack on standby. Your tips helped me to see what I have been so afraid of lately...that our potential marriage will come crashing down with one fight. But I don't have to be afraid anymore! Yes, we argue...yes, we struggle to maintain the passion...but we always come right back to the safety of "us." I have been afraid that this strategy would fail, but I realize now that we have what it takes to make this work. Ok, enough of the cheese fest...and some more thanks! Terrific writing!Know Thy Power!07:13:03 AMThursday,

8. November 29, 2007

Women play a major role compared to men when they are related as husband and wife. Women are made more emotional and hence are capable of handling delicate and intricate situations more calmly. But when they are hurt emotionally beyond their capacity,they get depressed and are sometimes hurt beyond repairs sometimes. I have seen women regain all their strength and start life all over again. This quality men lack. They do what they do and keep on doing. The only MECHANIC who can put things right for men are WOMEN!. Men are made physically strong lack emotional content, which is more responsible to regain control in life than physical strength. When hurt emotionally women tend to share their feelings with the same sex and regain what is lost. Men are simply not capable of doing that. When GOD has made women what they are the only thing what remains is for women to understand their gifted tendencies and live life rather than give up or feel low. Similarly, these gifts can help a woman make her totally broken down, misled, misguided, egoistic, weak, or disillusioned man. Believe me, you can mend and make him lead his own life with more strength and vigour. When patience is blended with emotions (which women are gifted with) can do wonders do anybody's life, be it your child, hubby, friends, elders. For men to understand all this it might take one day or many lives. But he has a natural weakness to bow down from his ego of being a man which makes him understand a women and her love for him. This is possible only when a women knows thyself and uses her natural gifted tools. I can help women or men who think I can after reading the above. This is just a summary theres more!Great article

9. September 30, 2007
My husband and I are having our 30th aniversary and this article nails the important things that you need. In the first few years you struggle to assert yourself, both of you being "right". Then after a while you mature and realize it's not a competition and you both can win.I learned

10. September 13, 2007
This was not my first marriage. I kind of knew a little about what I was getting into. That is why I was in no hurry. The best time you'll get out of a man is the dating period. The day rolled around and I said " I do", to the best guy friend in the world. We lived together for a year before marriage so no surpises right? Things did change some. They say the first year is the hardest. I say bull crap. The first year you are still honey mooning. It's the second or third year that you get mad at him when you realize the honeymoon is over. Then you learn how to talk to each other after many arguments. That is about year 5. Then the arguments are reserved for stuff that really matters. Now that you are not as angry at him all the time you can find your nitch as to what works for you two in your private time. He never stopped wanting it just because you were mad at him. In year 7 he is getting better about actually trying to get me warmed up. So how did we get through? We set goals in our life. We stay in church. Marriage was created by God. With out knowing God you will have no idea as to what to do with your marriage. When things slow down between you two, its O.K. to find a bit more self. Just always put your marriage 2nd. God 1st. Then kids, friends, family. We were helped by going to marriage retreats. You must make time to have a relationship with your husband. I see some of my friends always putting thier kids first. I love kids too, sometimes I have to put my or my husbands wants aside for the kids. But you can't do this all the time. What you will end up with are kids that only you can stand. And a husband that you wish you did'nt have to stand. Keep yourself up, for yourself. You need to feel good about yourself.